blog~

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2023/10/21

over and over we keep recreating the same stories, trying to understand, trying to be understood

doesnt it hurt? knowing that the worst hurts ever done to your soul had nothing to do with you?

doesnt it hurt? that your words were met with prejudice, that you will never be able to make them understand?

doesnt it hurt, to be so misunderstood?

the longer i live as a human the more i think that no one is truly bad inside, that we are all just stumbling around in the dark, flailing for something to hold onto, jamming our fingers into the eyes and mouths and ears of those we would rather hold.

the more im hurt, the more i hurt, the more i recognize the scars on the bodies of those who hurt me. it doesnt really make the hurt go away, not even the anger. it doesnt even really help me puzzle out how to heal these rifts, but stars, i wish it would.

what good is it, knowing that my enemies are just like me, that their reasons make as much sense in their eyes, that they want warmth and safety for themselves and their loved ones just as much as i do, that they never wanted to hurt anyone any more than i did?

what good is it, feeling only love, if that love is always lost in translation? what good is it to care about the people who hurt me if we can never understand each other? what good is it to mean well if we all mean well but we wind up at odds anyways?

theres a particular kind of villain in stories that ive always found difficult to oppose. the kind whose dream is to unite the world, to remove the barriers between us, to finally understand one another. its a beautiful dream, isnt it?

in the stories the cost is always too high. too much suffering to bring about the impossible dream. but if there was just a button to make it happen? it i could just snap my fingers and end all the fighting, all the heartbreak, all the hurt? i wonder if i would do it. i wonder if i would be wrong to do so.

im in love with the world with other people, with all our beauty and pain. we are "the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code," right? our fragmented selves are the vehicle by which we understand ourself, to become one would be to cease to exist altogether.

the quest to understand each other is also a quest for annihilation, at once terrible, bittersweet, beautiful.

i cant remember a time when i was afraid to die. of hell, of further, infinite suffering, sure. but not of death. not of the end. isnt it enough to have existed?

i dont want to die anymore, though, not actively. as long as i am here, im determined to touch and taste and experience and learn all that i can, even if it all becomes nothing in the end. its enough to have simply existed.

its enough to simply exist.

a clarification of my beliefs for those who wish to know

2023/10/12

knowing that ppl are being told i condone CSAM and advocate for child abuse has literally had me so nauseous and miserable for over a week that i have been struggling to eat. i am a csa survivor. being compared to actual abusers by other survivors and people i considered friends has taken an immense toll on my mental health. no anti has ever made me this suicidal. please, please let me explain myself. please pass judgment based on my own statement of beliefs, not on the words people are putting in my mouth.

1. NO, i do not condone child or animal abuse. i do not believe romantic or sexual relationships with children or animals are ethical, i do not think they should be legal.

2. NO, i do not condone anything to do with CSAM. people have been screenshotting and spreading a post i made explaining why i find pro/anti contact labels to be unreliable, and they have been either misreading or intentionally twisting my words. i mentioned that there are people* who call themselves 'anti-contact' who want to decriminalize CSAM possession, saying that they not in 'contact' with children so its fine. I DISAGREE WITH AND ABHOR THESE PEOPLE. i mentioned them as an example of labels being unreliable, not as an endorsement of their views!

3. YES, i do believe that paraphiles deserve to be treated with basic human decency. even the abusers, as i am an anarchist and i believe in rehabilitation rather than punitive justice, but especially the nonoffenders. no one should be persecuted for thought crimes, full stop. i dont care if they are literally daydreaming about torturing and raping children and animals, if they dont act on those desires, they are literally better people than anyone who goes around sending death threats and suicide baiting anyone they disagree with.

4. YES, i believe that paraphiles have a right to be proud of themselves. just like people with cluster-b disorders deserve to be proud of ourselves, of being alive despite the stigma against us, of living with a mental illness that makes it very easy to accidentally hurt the people around us, pedophiles and zoophiles deserve to be proud of themselves. i believe they should be allowed to have pride flags and symbols like the rest of us marginalized identities.

5. YES, i believe paraphiles are a marginalized identity. the resistance other marginalized demographics have to being compared to pedophiles and zoophiles is literally a perpetuation of unfair stigma. bigotry against paraphiles is an actual real problem.

6. NO, i do not believe in guilt by association. certain parties recently have been discriminating against paraphile friends of mine for having accounts on sites that allow pro-contact individuals to also have accounts. they cite the idea that '1 nazi at the table and 9 people who tolerate the nazi = 10 nazis at the table'. as i stated before, however, i believe in rehabilitation. in an anarchist, prison abolitionist state, someone is going to have to put in the work to interact with and educate and change the abusers and offenders in our society. its perfectly fine not to want to be one of those people, but to vilify and abuse those who choose to take on that work is antithetical to an anarchist society and is at its heart a pro-cop, pro-prison, pro-punitive justice stance. i am fighting in my own small way to move beyond such a society.

if all this makes me guilty and an enabler of abuse, i have serious doubts about your motives and while i want to change your mind, i cant control you. i guess our beliefs are not compatible. if you still want me in your life, i am now at eulogaeic@serpent.skin on fediverse (down for maintenance for a couple of days but will be back up soon), or you can check my links page for more contact info.

if you have any questions or concerns, i would prefer you email me at lio@eulogaeic.moe so we can have a proper conversation instead of making another scene on social media. i will no longer be engaging in public discourse, it only leads to misunderstandings, snap judgments, drama, callouts, and hurt feelings all around.

regardless of your takeaway from all this, thanks for reading,
♡ kienan ♡

*in the original post i said that the biggest anti-c organization was involved in this, but i was misremembering the information. the co-founder of VirPed, Ethan Edwards, wants CSAM possession to be decriminalized. he is no longer with VirPed and this is not the stance of the whole group.

statement on what happened between me and aethy

2023/10/02

around a month ago my friend soren and some other anti abuse paraphiles were banned from aethy for having accounts on nnia, a paraphile instance which explicitly forbids advocating for abuse, whose admin is hated by pro abuse individuals. they joined bc aethy, understandably, has a boundary about not talking abt paraphilic attractions on the site, so they sought out a site where they could safely talk and find support.

however, aethy staff (from here referred to simply as 'staff') and their friends have decided that, bc nnia allows 'pro-contact' paraphiles, a label which no one agrees about the meaning of, on their site, again, while banning pro abuse discussion, that nnia must be a pro abuse site. this is, frankly, utter nonsense.

at this time i was involved in the matrix chat to help clarify the aethy rules, pushing to allow anti-abuse paraphile pride symbols on the site and generally keep the language less hostile towards nonoffenders. at the time the topic of pro-contact/anti-contact wording was more or less skirted.

several days ago, however, my friend jackball was banned for posting a drawing of a theoretical plushie dreadful with paraphile symbols on it. staff and co believe those symbols to be explicitly pro abuse symbols used only for child trafficking (source: fbi documents. sorry but i dont trust the fbi for a second). aethy has since banned all paraphile pride iconography and even open identification as a paraphile at all.

EDIT 2023/10/02: apparently staff forbade those symbols in order to protect aethy from being struck down. i was mistaken. jack was banned asking questions about said symbols and not being satisfied with the answers.

the sad fact, however, is that pro abuse individuals co-opt every symbol that anti abuse individuals use, in order to obfuscate the terms and turn outsiders against anti abuse paraphiles. when we force anti abuse paraphiles out of safe spaces, they are forced into pro abuse spaces. this is just a fact. whether or not you think it should happen, it does. when we isolate and persecute anti abuse paraphiles, we play right into the hands of abusers.

staff and co believe differently, though. they believe that destigmatizing paraphilias provides a shield for abusers and that those of us who defend paraphiles have been groomed by abusers into being pro abuse. neither soren nor jackball nor me nor any of our friends are pro abuse. its ludicrous that we even have to say this. this is the default stance.

however, because we have chosen to remain neutral on contact discourse (because labels mean different things to different people and also abusers lie all the time, so you rlly cannot know a persons beliefs without talking to them directly), because we are uncomfortable with the discourse, or triggered by it, or simply find it unhelpful and polarizing, we have been labeled pro abuse. as most of us are csa survivors ourselves, this hurts more deeply than i can possibly express. i could get rlly emotional abt this but i am trying to stick to the facts.

from what i have heard from friends who are still on aethy, staff has been banning anyone who voices dissent or even discomfort with their change in policy. at this point in time, staff has been conflating pocd with pedophilia, creating a false divide between pocd individuals who they believe are pedophiles who hate themselves, vs ppl with pedophiliac disorders, which to them seems to mean pedophiles who dont hate themselves and who express pride in their survival despite the stigma and abuse they endure. paraphile pride is not abt being proud of being attracted to kids or animals or corpses, it is about being proud of being alive. its like narcissist pride, or bpd pride.

essentially, staff and their friends have become paranoid that there are abusers lurking behind every corner, grooming us into condoning and shielding abuse. please remember that the vast, vast majority of ppl are anti abuse. this is the default. please also remember that the vast majority of abuse cases are perpetuated by ppl who are not even sexually attracted to children. its an established fact that rape is almost never about attraction, it is about power and access.

this obsession with some kind of shadow conspiracy of predators infiltrating queer spaces is terminally online, many of us have described this issue to outsiders irl and been reminded that this is all completely ridiculous pointless discourse. we all believe abuse is bad. the end. saying we are anti abuse should be enough. forcing ppl to take a stand on a false dichotomy between essentially meaningless microlabels has been causing so much suffering. it plays into conservative puritan thought crime rhetoric.

we dont want to be involved. if that makes us pro abuse i literally dont know what to tell you (general you).

tl;dr i am anti abuse. soren is anti abuse. jack is anti abuse. everyone who is being dragged down with us is anti abuse. OBVIOUSLY.

EDIT 2023/10/21: from what ive been shown, staff and co have been accusing me and my friends of callouts and harassment. this post (previously posted on denden.world and then reposted here when i was asked to take it down there) is literally the only thing i have said regarding the entire situation, aside from replies posted to the same original post when said crowd came to refute my post. (i dont have access to any archives of those replies as i no longer have access to the related account, but they were essentially just us arguing the same points and failing to reach each other.) i have not attempted to contact them, to return to their site, or anything of the sort.

as for callouts, i do not belief a single post made expressly for the purpose of clearing up lies being told about me constitutes a 'callout.' i only named staff because everyone on aethy knows who the admin is. i could have just said 'staff' at the time i suppose, but in all honesty it didnt occur to me at the time. [redacted] and aethy have been equivalent in my head since the day i joined. for whatever its worth, i am sorry for that oversight. for whatever its worth at this point im redacting the name now.

from my persepective, it was natural for me to attempt to defend my name from accusations of literally condoning and advocating for child abuse. this was never intended as a callout and to my knowledge it has not functioned as one. i only even named aethy because its the site i was banned from and the whole point of the post was to explain to my followers and mutuals why i was suddenly absent from the site. staff and their supporters have literally accused me of vile, vile things that make me sick to even think about. i have accused them only of being wrong about me, or at worst, of lying. these two accusations are not the same.

heres hoping i never have to update this post again.

return of the coding or smth~

2023/05/02

so wow we have been in a huge depressive slump for months. i blame winter and twitter suspensions and the worsening state of the internet. it's getting harder and harder to stay positive and i hate being depressed in publilc so i've kinda been MIA. trying to get back to this tho.

my friend rudy contacted neocities staff awhile ago and got confirmation that they officially can't host content of underage sexuality so... this site is gonna have to move at some point. i've been sort of putting off finding a new host tho cause boy is this all overwhelming. i do all my coding locally so the whole site is backed up offline, so if i get taken down i won't lose everything.

i've also spoken to some other coder mutuals and they've suggested that i change all the images on this site to jpgs so it loads faster. i'm so attached to pngs for clarity and all but apparently high quality jpgs will look just fine at normal viewing sizes for a fraction of the file size, and considering that i already choose not to upload full res to the web, it just makes sense i guess. so that's gonna be a major project in the near future.

an artist does the code thing~

2022/11/21

coding is fun! it makes the problem solving brain go brrrr, very nice incremental serotonin rewards for making a thing work! i like it a lot. it sort of gives me a sense of control and independence that i don't really get anywhere else? what with my social media accounts all being subject to the whims of conservatives and corporate advertising interests, my real life being subject to being poor, etc. on my own website i can just. make things happen! i put in an input, i get an output! it's very satisfying and rewarding.

current website itinerary is as follows, in no particular order bc i have the attention span of a toddler on cocaine:

  • build some basic navigation for this blog! i'm thinking probably a calendar type widget so you can click the dates to go to diff entries, like on a lot of other blogging sites. very intuitive and simple to look at. we shall see if it is simple to code.
  • actually write some lore for the character pages / wiki
  • build some form of content warning system for the gallery. i started this site in kind of a bitter headspace about censorship on social media so i took an approach of like. blanket content warning for the site. enter at your own risk. but as things have progressed i'm finding i would like to make it safer for actually chill people to casually navigate. might have to ask knife for help with this one.
  • ♡ and of course, the thing i'm procrastinating about, build a mobile friendly version of the site. for someone who lives on their phone i really hate mobile layouts ;u;

blog start~!

2022/11/21

time to try blogging on this little website as well! consider this entry one~ :3 i intended to actually start this blog at site launch so i could have a little blog entry that said site launched! but alas, i got caught up making the site actually functional in more important ways lol, so instead you get blog start~! i hope none of you mind~ ♡